Women in Cremation Grounds

Death. A topic often so taboo in our society; our elders tend to escape conversations that revolve around it. But death is part of our lives, and rightfully so. 

I’ve witnessed several deaths in the family. My maternal grandparents passed away when I was in my primary school years. My father’s sister, when I was in college. My paternal grandfather, a few years after I got married. And most recently, a couple of years ago, my paternal grandmother. It is safe to say, I’ve firsthand experienced more or less of what a Hindu cremation and prayers entail, and I must say, boy, it’s complicating. Some say, 12 days prayers is mandatory, some say 3 days is what it takes, there’s a cow-feeding ceremony to take place, the actual cremation process (in Hinduism, the burning of the body), whilst feeding all the guests who come home for condolences. Ironically, there’s really not much time to mourn. You start feeling the loss of a loved one when prayers end and all the relatives have flown back to their respective countries. 

Of all these rituals, I’ve always had a curiosity for the cremation process. For Hindus, the body is taken to a cremation ground, set up on a pyre and then burnt. The next day, family members can collect the ashes to scatter. 

For every death I’ve witnessed, it has always been the men who take the responsibility of the deed. The women stay back at home to prepare fruits for the cows, and also meals for the guests. For years and years, I’ve never questioned as to why women aren’t allowed in any cremation grounds. In any case, I am terrible at saying goodbyes. I don’t even do airport drop-offs! So, staying off the cremation grounds because I am a female, seemed to be a blessing in disguise. Over recent times though, I believe this practice has to come to be some sort of a violation to one’s personal right. 

A wonderful friend of mine I fondly call Google baffled my mind. It says these are the reasons why women aren’t allowed in cremation grounds:

1. When all male members of the family leave for shamshan ghat (cremation grounds), someone has to be in the house to clean it and take care of it. And traditionally, this is the duty of the household women. Hence, women stay at home doesn't go to shamshan ghat.
2. Some say that a funeral is hard to watch. According to Hindu mythology, before leaving the shamshan ghat the family members of the deceased must ensure that the dead body is fully burnt. Sometimes due to the heat, the body may cramp up, and it is not a pleasure to watch. Women in Hindu religion are considered to have a delicate heart and this can leave a disturbing image for a long time.
3.  A funeral is really horrid to watch. Sometime, the corpse jerks up and needs to be beaten back into the pyre using bamboo sticks. The smokes are foul and these are enough to make any normal human feel rather sick. Traditionally, it is believed that girls are weaker mentally and will not be able to handle such a scene.
4. Some say that married women are allowed at the shamshan ghat and that because that they considered not pure whereas unmarried girls meaning the virgin ones are said to be pure and it is easy for ghosts, evil spirits and fierce deities to get their control through bad means.
5. Few people opined that because women can't shave their head, they are not allowed. This is because, as per Hindu theory of evils, if you go inside grave yard you may carry one of evil element with you and perception is hairs are the part of body through which evil element can enter one’s body.  If you want to shave off your head along with men going inside graveyard you can go.

The above points (1-5) are directly sourced from, without changes, from: https://www.indiatvnews.com/news/india/why-women-are-not-allowed-at-shamshan-ghat-55126.html

My take on the above:

1. Yes, back in the day, cleaning, washing and cooking were the duties of household women. However, in today’s day and age, more and more women are taking up jobs that were previously considered masculine, such as chauffeurs, executives, engineers, etc. Also, it is now extremely common to see men in what previously women-led jobs were such as chefs, parenting and teaching. The argument that women must stay back at home to clean and cook is no longer applicable. 
2. “Women in Hindu religion are considered to have a delicate heart”. I’d like to see research, numbers, statistics or any study to prove this statement. Anyone can have a sensitive approach to funeral, be it men or women. The 21^st century men have been known to be more emotionally-invested and are no longer to be afraid to wear their emotions on their sleeves. Gone are the days where “boys don’t cry”. If you believe you are strong enough to cremate, go on, whether you are a male or female.
3. “Girls are weaker mentally”. I don’t need to further elongate on what the female body is capable of. If you’re a female, you’ve gone through your fair share and if you’re a male, you’ve seen the ladies around battle through some serious stuff. You know the basics; periods and childbirth. But beyond just those two, women deal with self-esteem issues, body issues, mom-shaming issues, hormonal imbalances and so much more. Yet, they carry on their lives with much élan. Most of them, anyway. This stereotypical statement where girls are mentally weaker is laughable.
4.  Virginity. So that’s yet another issue. Somehow, a man’s virginity is never an issue, but a female’s is. I find it bewildering that there’s so much talk about the purity of virginity, because if a man has the right on his body, a female has the same right. Whether or not she chooses to keep her virginity for a short or longer period of time, should absolutely be her choice and her consent. Sadly, virginity is a social construct, which we need to move away from. It’s sexist, patriarchal, promotes slut-shaming and often medically-inaccurate. 
5.  *BEEP* nope, try again. Anyone should be able to shave their head if they want to. No one should shave their head if they refuse to. Basic human rights, anyone? I’ve seen some bald women rocking their look and are unapologetic about it, and why should they be? It’s literally just hair. If anyone makes me give up my hair to go to a cremation, I’ll need some proof of how my hair can contribute to anyone’s wellbeing, besides some ghosts and spiritual stories. 

From what my father, brother and husband say, cremation isn’t fun. It is depressing, dark and gloomy, for the most obvious reason; you’re burning the remains of someone you love. Someone who once put colours into your days. That very own fact formed my thought process; if cremating you loved one is an extremely hard task to do, shouldn’t you have the support of your spouse to do it? Shouldn’t you have a sibling to help you cremate your parents? Shouldn’t a daughter have the right to cremate her parents or grandparents? Shouldn’t a person, be it man or woman, have the ability to make a decision whether or not they want to help cremate their loved ones? 

At the end of the day, it all comes down to basic human right. If a son has the right to cremate his parents, then a daughter most definitely has the same right. If she chooses NOT to do it for personal reasons, that too becomes her right. If a son also chooses NOT to do it for his own personal reasons, that also becomes his right. 

Generally, I identify myself as a feminist. By feminist, by no means I want superior treatment for females, but EQUAL treatment. In today’s day and age, there are no more applicable gender-specific roles. If opinions don’t matter to you, here are some facts:

1. Karan Johar and Tusshar Kapoor have become single fathers by surrogacy. The stereotypical mother role doesn’t imply here. 
2. Some of the world’s most notable chefs are men; Gordon Ramsay, Wolfgang Puck, Jamie Oliver and Daniel Boulud. The kitchen is no longer restricted to women. 
3. Serena Williams, tennis champion. Sports are open to either gender. 
4. Ruby Rose; Australian model, DJ, actress. Confident of her androgynous style with multiple tattoos. Body art isn’t for just men. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s definitely no longer restricted for men who are “up to no good”. 

If you are still one of the people who still believe in stereotypical roles, I humbly request you to look into men and women who continually challenge gender roles. I assure you, you will not be disappointed. 

Religious activists, Hindu priests and enthusiasts, by no means that this post intends to harm you and your preaching. Please understand that as the world revolves, the years pass by, human beings evolve and we must move with the times. If this post has unknowingly stated or misinterpreted any form of religious teachings and beliefs, please feel free to comment and I will make amends accordingly. 

It’s a new decade; 2020! Here’s me, wishing for smaller gaps in inequality and more opportunities for men, women and gender-fluid people alike.