It has been a looong time since my last blog post, which I’m
honestly apologetic for. Blame it on my little Siddharth, ladies and gentlemen.
Ever since his birth in October 2016, I’ve been a hands-on, full-time mom and
have been abandoning pretty much everything else. A huge shout-out to my
dearest husband who keeps up with my hormones, messy buns and the occasional
(okay, more than occasional) puke-stained clothes.
Therefore, I feel like this new post must be dedicated to
fellow mommies like me. Why? Because it is the hardest job in the world. I wake
up with a smile on my face to hear the soft snore of the little one but at the
end of the day, I am beat. The most rewarding job, sure. I love being a mom. I
am not perfect, but I believe I am good one. No one is a perfect mom. No one. But
I’m sure as hell, we all try our best. We all have our days. When you have a
shrieking baby in your arms and you’ve done everything possible, you freak the
crap out. You keep your baby constantly clean, fed, burped and warm as much as
you possibly can but then, there THEY come. Them. Who walk with perfectly smug
smiles into your lives. With what seems like a million years of knowledge that
we have. With a penchant for interfering with people’s lives. The mom-police.
I call them the mom-police because they seem to keep an eye
on EVERYTHING we do with our kids. They may or may not be mothers, but they
have a say on how we choose to raise our kids and criticize every action we do.
Few of the mom-shame trends I’ve noticed that’s been going around (and some are
personal experiences, so…) are
1)
Breastfeeding
Probably the most controversial judgment of
all times. Now, there are moms who, right after birth, have their babies latch
onto them beautifully. They produce more milk than their local dairy farm and
enjoy a wonderful feeding experience with their children. On the flip side,
there are moms who struggle with their production, have difficulty latching
their babies, stay up all night for pumping sessions and tried every other
lactation tea possible. For whatever reason a mom does not breastfeed, they
ought not to be judged. Why? Because even bottle/formula-feeding means they
KEEP THEIR CHILD FED. As long as a baby is full and receives nutrition, who are
we to shame their moms on the opted method? Not only non-breastfeeding moms are
judged, even those who breastfeed are on the mom-police’s radar. Some
breastfeed too quickly, some breastfeed for too long, some breastfeed in
public, some breastfeed their babies to sleep, some breastfeed while
multi-tasking and so on. So, either way, moms are being shamed for doing what
they feel is best for their kids. Again, if a mom has done her best to feed her
baby with a method of her choice, you shouldn’t have a say, mom-police.
2)
Pacifier usage
Who here used a pacifier to soothe a baby
who cried all night long? ~raises hand
proudly~. And, oh, the crap I got from so many people. It is called a
PACIFIER because it helps PACIFY the baby. How is it a bad thing to have a
comforted baby? Babies have a penchant for sucking and because we cannot have
them breastfeed all day long, we give them a pacifier. “did you know it may
cause ear infection due to bacteria?, “did you know once they are addicted, it’s
hard to wean?”, “did you know if used for long, may disrupt their teeth?” Yes,
we know that. Pretty sure moms of today use something magical called the
internet to learn pros and cons of everything. Now, can you get away before I
punch you in the face?
3)
Stay-at-home or working moms
We’re slammed either way, moms. “What’s the
point of her degree if she is home all day?” and “how can she leave the child
at home while she works?”. See what I mean? Uh, people, moms who choose to stay
at home with their kids are privileged enough financially perhaps, but they’re
equally tired of being a hands-on mom. Moms who go to work do so because they
have bills to pay and aspirations to catch. We are moms but we have our lives
as well. Our days revolve around our children but there are times where we
gotta do what we gotta do. Trust these moms enough to know that whatever their
choices are, they are doing it for the kids’ betterment and a bright future.
4)
Birthing method
We aren’t even moms yet and we are already
shamed for our birth options. Vaginal births are considered the “correct” way
of giving birth and all else are the “easy way out”. I don’t know what a
c-section feels like but the thought of having your stomach slashed open while
we are semi-conscious isn’t so appealing. Whether moms go through a cesarean
optionally or due to emergency, she is considered unable to go through
intensive labour pain. Honestly, this is ridiculous. Pain is so subjective, not
everyone has the same resistance. No matter how a mom chooses to deliver a
baby, think of it this way: she evacuated a human being from within her. Either
way, how is this short of a miracle?
5)
Sleeping
When my boy is fast asleep, I feel like the
king of the world. It’s a feeling of true accomplishment, until of course, he
wakes up shortly after J
He sleeps happily in his own cot, except on those days where he is ill, or is
teething or simply being rather fussy. Now, whether a baby sleeps in his own
room, sleeps in a cot in mom and dad’s room or co-sleeps in between mom and
dad, it’s all a personal choice of the parents. Each and every sleep option must
have been considered with great thoughts by the parents, according to how the
baby reacts, responds and accepts it. It is incredibly uncalled for when other
people shame parents on how they choose to make their babies sleep. The same
goes for sleep training. I’ve read at least 20 books on sleep training and I
honestly haven’t been able to go through them. Simply because, I do not have the
heart to leave a crying baby in the cot. So I do the bad deed, of soothing him
and letting him use me as a sleep prop. “How will he learn how to self-soothe,
Kirti????”, well I don’t know! Until he does, I’m going to manage just fine. If
you choose to sleep-train your baby, by letting them cry-it-out, or sshh them
to sleep, rock them to sleep, feed them to sleep, building a sleep routine,
hey, you’re doing your best to make sure your baby gets plentiful of rest so
they can develop. You’re doing an awesome job. Now that they’re asleep, go grab
a soda. You deserve it.
6)
Vaccination
Although various medical research considers
vaccination beneficial, there are still a number of moms and dads who choose
not to vaccinate their children. I can’t speak for them as I’m yet to learn
these reasons, so let’s keep it short and simple, that they have reasons not to
do so, and we should respect their space as opposed to judging them and calling
them out as “not caring for their baby’s health”. It is safe to say all parents
want the best for their babies, medically and otherwise.
7)
Food choices
Ever since the new brigade of organic food
products, shopping in the supermarket have been a bittersweet experience. Is it
necessary to feed our kids 100% organic food? Can we mix it up? Does organic
really guarantee cleanliness and freshness? Does non-organic feeding mean we
care less? Moms, it is up to you! Feed what you think is best for the child. As
long as the pediatrician says go, you go! Again, we’re slammed either way. If
we do not go for organic-feeding, we’re cheap parents who refuse shelling out
extra dimes. If we do, they claim we’re raising an ultra-sensitive baby. Darn.
It is high time that mom-judging stops NOW. First of all, you
don’t know the thought process of someone until and unless you step into their
shoes. Stop questioning and deciding what they’re doing is wrong until you’ve
literally been transformed into that person. Second, we all are doing our best.
Babies are weird. They sleep weird, eat weird and are wonderfully weird. Sometimes, our day just doesn’t work out. There’s
no such thing as a perfect parent but guess what, as long as we give it our
best effort, we’re doing fine.
Speaking of mom-judging, it makes me wonder as to why aren’t
there any judgments for dads? So, it’s fine for a dad to go to work but not
okay for mom to go to work? It’s okay for dad to take a work trip but not okay
for mom to do the same? It’s okay for dad to take a boys-night-out but when mom
goes with the girls, she’s considered ignorant to leave her baby under someone
else’s care? See what I mean? I won’t get into this now because, I’m opening up
a whole new brigade but I firmly believe moms and dads make parents. They make
a team with equal responsibility. If a mom can breastfeed, a dad can
bottlefeed. If a mom can change diapers, dad can too. Gender roles do not and
should not exist anymore unless physicality takes its role. Clearly, we can’t
expect daddy dear to breastfeed or give birth, can we?
Moms, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing now, you are
doing an amazing job with your child. Whatever your parenting decisions are,
you know what’s best for your child, even though it may not seem like it for
the next mom. Don’t let the mom-police get to you. They got to me but I am done
feeling like a crap mom, because I am a fabulous one, and so are all of you. One
day, your little one will be able to tell you how much you mean the world to
them and all of it will be worth it. I, for one, am waiting to hear my little
one say, “I love you, mama”.
Hugs xx
